BLOODRAYNE MOVIE REVIEW

BLOODRAYNE
Let me let you all know this is not exactly a movie review. Reviewing my past blogs I certainly feel that I have made multiple references to this movie. And before your curiosity spikes making you want to watch the movie, let me tell you -" WAIT!!! BE PATIENT!". Now follows a bunch of reason why you should not.

"The whole universe is relative" - I think Einstein said that (maybe not). But relativity is what demarcates the good from the bad and thats a universal law. If it weren't for a scale of comparison society wouldnt exist the way it does now. Similarly every movie reviewer needs certain movies that define his or her scale of comparison. If you would consider movies like Godfather or Gladiator to be a 10 then according to my scale BloodRayne ranks a zero. Hence the reason why any bad elements in every movie is being compared with BloodRayne, my epitome of fim making catastrophy. This entry is just going to highlight those tragic reasons that forced me to sit through this Meecrob (a really bland Thai Crispy noodles). "Why do you call this a movie review then?", you may ask. Well it's because I have this cool photoshopped Movie review number photo and I just love to use it. So for no constructive reason I titled this entry "BloodRayne movie review".

Lemme quote what I wrote in my previous entry "I am a big gaming enthusiast and any movie adapted from a video game is always welcome ( Silent Hill is one such). Not because video game based movies are good (they are usually bad, sometimes even down-right horrible. Think Bloodrayne ), it's because they offer cheap thrills and immediately forgettable movie experiences...err, on a bigger budget". And thats the only reason why I saw it. BloodRayne too, like Silent Hill is based on a popular videogame. And let me confess, I have never played nor seen any of the BloodRayne videogames. All I know is that she carries two really huge swords and has a thirst for blood (I mean literally - only comparable with the voracious appetite of Obelix). Why is she so bloodthirsty? Because she is half-human, half-Vampire (very original).

The film actually pretends to have a plot but does a very poor job pretending. It centers on an attractive, supernatural huntress named Rayne (Kristina Loken), who is an unholy breed of human and vampire called a Dhampir. Trained by a secret agency called the Brimstone Society which hunts down and eliminates supernatural threats around the globe, Rayne is confronted by the deadliest of all creatures, the powerful and evil Kagan, King of the Vampires (Ben Kingsley). Yes, it's true! BloodRayne is a female Wesley Snipes running around during the time of the crusades. I am actually thinking really hard right now for another reason why I saw this film but my mind is as clean as an alien abductee's. My liking for videogames is soon going to be the death of me.

An early january release, a huge screw up by the production company while distributing prints to theatres (they were supposed to ship almost 2000 prints but they ended up sending it to theatres without booking them. Hence only a 1000 prints were screened) and the non-existence of a director screams BAD MOVIE to anyone bright enough to notice. So did I, but I didnt have the slightest idea I was about to watch the worst movie of all time.. OF ALL TIME!! Half way through the movie I simply had to pause, just to find out what IMDB had to say. And guess what? IMDB gave it a 2.4/10 rating. I sighed a wave of relief that I wasnt alone in my opinion. Ranked at 43 in IMDB bottom 100 list, i rejoiced at the fact that everyone in the world hated it. Finishing the movie was as arduous as curing brain tumor but I did manage to finish it.


Why is this movie sooooo bad? Because everything about the movie simply is. Acting, settings, Action..everything. But the person to actually blame was the non-existent director that I initially mentioned, Uwe Boll. Do you like videogames? Apparently this guy doesnt. Because of a personal chilhood trauma, he has taken it upon his shoulders to murder every videogame based film out there (I just made this up.. but who knows? It might be true). He dislikes them so much that every movie that he has virtually made and is about to make is based on one. So if have a videogame franchise that you really love and you always felt that it had the potential to turn into a great film, Uwe Boll is probably going to purchase all the rights and tear it to pieces right in front of your eyes. As far as I know neither Halo or Half Life will find their way into his hands but other franchises.. BEWARE! Going through his IMDB profile i just found that none of his movie have crossed the 3.5/10 rating, most of them remaking history by finding spots on the bottom 100 list. It is indeed a big conundrum how he manages to find enough money to bankroll all his fiendish operations. If anyone out there likes Dungeon Siege, Far Cry or Postal you might as well start crying now, because it will share the same fate as that of House of the Dead, Alone in the dark or BloodRayne.

I know I should give this film a zero but there were some people who spent almost 20 million dollars making it and wasted a lot of time which could have been constructively spent on wicker basket weaving. Hence I shall give it a 2. So in the words of Mr. Mackey, the South Park school counselor, I would just like to say - "Hope you havn't seen BloodRayne. BloodRayne's bad M'kay". - {BATMAN^V^EXILED}

Movie Links

BloodRayne's Official Page

BloodRayne's IMDB Page

BloodRayne's Trailers